Our Biggest Enemy- “Should”
Our Biggest Enemy- “Should”
By Bre Russell
I should…… (fill in the blank)
I should...be happier.
I should...be more successful.
I should...go to that networking event.
I should...stop eating chocolate.
I should...want to be social.
Should, should, should!
Seriously ladies, how many times today alone have you said the word “should”?
Stacey Hall said it best in her Ted Talk I listened to recently, Stop “Shoulding” on yourself.
AND stop letting other people Should on you too!
Why do we create a life of shoulds?
Here’s Stacey Hall’s Four Step Questions to get past Should and get to Could- making your own life decisions based on what you want and need: (x being what you want)
Coming from fear- why would I choose not to do x? (what are you afraid of if you don’t do this?)
Coming from fear- why would I choose to do x? (what are you afraid of if you do this?)
Coming from love- why would I choose not to do x? (why do you not want to do this?)
Coming from love- why would I choose to do x? (why would you want to do this?)
For me, I was deliberating on whether or not I should go for a hike this past weekend. So, I asked myself the above four questions.
My answers were easy since this wasn’t a major life decision and I wouldn’t be letting anyone down per se but it was good practice and just like anything in life the more you practice the better you get.
If I go for a hike today I won’t be able to continue to work and get more stuff done.
If I go I might be too tired afterwards to do anything else- like work.
Currently I’m feeling tired and and don’t want to over do it physically so maybe it is best for me to just relax.
It would be nice to get outside, do some mild exercise, and get away from the urge to continue to work today so that I can start the week refreshed.
Then ask yourself which feels most true to you at that moment and which excites you or feels right in your body and heart?
Needless to say I went for the hike and felt re-charged after!
Another piece to the Shoulding on yourself is learning how to say “NO”.
Brene Brown is the queen of vulnerability, “choose discomfort over resentment”, meaning- say “No” to nonessential things, obligations, tasks, requests and just sit in the awkwardness of that “No” because it is better than saying yes and feeling resentful or burnt out.
We’ve all been here. Think of the last time you heard yourself say yes to something and immediately regretted it.
For me last year it was when I agreed to join a women’s committee within this membership group I was part of and ended up having to speak at an event and lead a group for six months. I regretted the added time loss to my weeks and the pressure/stress I feel from public speaking.
This doesn’t mean we can’t be flexible, helpful, and compromising. It just means we could set better boundaries, listen to our internal voice more, ask ourselves those four questions before saying yes or no to something, wait until we feel a “HELL YES” instead of settling for less.
I created a little diagram for myself to remind me of my newly set boundaries as a guide for getting to “NO” easier and not feeling bad about it.
Create your own boundaries visual for saying No. And replace the should with- could, want, can, will, CHOOSE!
I want to travel more, I choose to be happier, I am successful, I want to spend more time alone. Every time we Should on ourselves or others or say Yes to something that we really wanted to say No to we feel guilty, shame, overwhelm, and we’re unenthusiastic or even negative.
Take two minutes and write down your regular “Should’s” or “Yes’s” that could be “No’s”.
Now, take those Shoulds/Yes’s and flip them to work for you.
If you’re up for a challenge every time this week you catch yourself saying “should” try to replace it with “could” and then go through the 4 step questions or your No diagram to get to the life you want!
Share with us: #stopshouldingyourself #justsaynochallenge #hellyes @femthrive